Those old pious sisters were right

Okay, yeah. Everything worked out with Owen, as it often does. But bigger news:

I am getting my stuff professionally recorded on my piano, professionally mastered, and professionally pressed.

For like $4000.

Holy shit, huh?

GUYS, GUYS.

Owen and I are starting a band called "ladyfingers manhands"!!!

It's gonna be awesome. We already have the entire disk planned out. Seven songs,

1. First Date
2. Three Week Anniversary
3. Minor Issues
4. Le Sex
5. He Likes/She Likes (Self-Proclaimed Sex Gods)
6. Major Issues
7. I Miss You (Dance Party)

AND, if we can get our shit together by the time we leave for the trip, we'll be touring. XDD I'm going to be opening for myself.

I will dominate the world yet. I'm even recording at a studio tomorrow.

Edit: NAT. You are NOT fat.

Guys, listen to the song Wild Dogs on this page:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=96464033

The music scene here is so fucking awesome. I feel elated and awesome.

By the way, thinking of playing my way across these countries. Does anybody know of any venues nearby their respective locations? I will most definitely give anybody a free CD full of new music who can get me a show. And I will sex up anybody who can get me multiple shows. >> (Bribery still works in the 21st century, right?) Even just names of venues would be helpful.

This will be the week.

That I put up new music.

I am very, very tired.

These last few months...they've been more than a little strange. I've changed in ways which both frighten me and exhilarate me. Things I never thought would. Strong, strong personal beliefs I've cast aside without much regard to consequence. I used to have a sense of goodness, really thick in me. I miss that.

But these changes I've noticed the whole time. Being affected by Owen and the crowd he runs with, that's a natural thing. I've weaved in, sized everything up, and now I'm back (more or less) to being me. Social changes are pretty easy to track.

The realization of intrinsic changes hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I realized what involvement I had in our society, what my place was in the economy, in my company, in accordance to the government...I realized that I wasn't a student anymore, but an honest-to-god working class citizen. And it scared me.

In that sense, I know that this year off was a healthy decision. Some real experiences under my belt have done me a world of good. They've shown me different types of stress, urgency, and fun.

But I'm ready to go back.

I need something to sustain my brain. I feel my IQ decreasing with every passing day. I crave mental nourishment. Stimulation. These are things that I don't get anymore on a regular basis.

I miss thinking about things other than Owen and money.

(Things with Owen are really great, by the way. We're sort of circling around a tentative state of mutual admiration. It makes sex really great.)

It's taking every ounce of self-control I hold in my feeble body not to jet out of that office asap. But I need cash for the trip.

The end of April will be a shining beacon of warm light. That's when I leave my job at SNC. By that time, my little niece should be born, too.

April can't come soon enough.

Okay, so.

I will be going on an excursion with Michelle, Darren, and Owen through Canada and the States in approximately half a year.

I NEED TO KNOW WHO WANTS A VISIT. And who has like, three extra couches.

Merry Christmas, my loves. <3

THANKS FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARDS TOO, Nat and Amanda! =DD They made me all giddy and such.

I am thankful for my iPod, without which I would never survive at work.

I am thankful for my family. My parents, siblings, and nephew. So thankful for my nephew, and the other one on his/her way.

I am thankful for espresso.

I am thankful for public transit.

I am thankful for change, and growth.

I am thankful for home cooking.

I am thankful for sexual gratification.

I am thankful for incredible books.

I am thankful for you, my friends.

My nostalgia's
got the better
the better moods
in their place

Darlin' baby
always made me,
made me smile
with that look
on his face, he say:

"Darlin' baby, stop singin' the blues
I'll give you a reason to change your tune"

Now I've got a feelin'
that I'm not believin',
it's way too good to be true

But my sweetie pie,
he won't let me deny,
so I'm stuck in love
without a clue
and he says:

"Darlin' baby, stop singin' the blues
I'll give you a reason to change your tune
Darlin' baby, stop singin' the blues
'Cause you love me, and I love you"

( With this guy right here... )

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slang

Amanda
n. a person without a male.
"Reggie, that Amanda is so expensive!"

Anna
interj. informal apology.
"That was your burger I tried to attack? Anna, dude."

Brittany
adj. getting ready to disrespect something.
"Billy is, like, so Brittany."

Marcy
n. an old-school term for alco-pops.
"Let's get ourselves some beautiful Marcy, man."

Michelle
n. 1. an ugly arcade game. 2. an unpleasant male.
"You're a Michelle, Brian."

Natalie
adj. to be in a (sexual) relationship with someone.
"Is it true that Brian and Jose are Natalie?"

Tiffany
adj. enormous.
"I wish my credit card was Tiffany."

DO IT.

Happy birthday my darling, darling, darling loves.

May the new set of digits bring to you many fantastic (mis)adventures, meals, small moments, grand gestures, songs, and of course, presents.

Disturb the universe, and eat many peaches. I love you both in amounts you'll never know.

HAPPY CANADA DAY, DRUNKARDS.

I just spent the last few days literally screaming/crying in pain. >>

I've had pretty fucked up ear problems for the last few years, so it really didn't surprise me that I got an ear infection. What did surprise me was the amount of pain that came with it. I've had ear infections before, but nothing like this. It sorta felt like somebody was shoving a needle in, way past the eardrum, like right into my neck. It wasn't so pleasant. It spread to the other ear like, a day later, too.

But I got some T-3s out of it, which is either a very good thing or a very bad thing, depending on how you see it. On one hand, it somewhat cures the pain. On the other hand, I fear addiction to painkillers, specifically T-3s. Ah, well.

I do feel a lot better today, but I think I'm gonna sleep it off anyways.

It kills me when I can't sing. >>

Real update coming your way when I get better, including plans now that I am done high school, current aggravating love situations, and things to do with YOU in the fall.

Love. <3

Laughter

The day that my sister was molested, I was out riding my bike with my aunt. Summer of '01, or '02-- I can't remember exactly. It's as fuzzy in my memory as the premise of a book I read years ago, or a song that I can't match the lyrics to. What I do remember is in snippets. My sister asking me not to leave my uncle's house, and my impatient response of “I'll only be gone for a minute”. The wheel on my bike loosening as I rode away from the house. Walking it back. The look on my sister's face in the car ride home as my parents yelled, begging her to tell the truth...the realization that as my uncle swapped my old, torn bicycle seat with the new one he had bought me the day prior, he had probably tampered with the mechanics of my bike to buy him more time with my sister.

I remember the reality of what had happened creeping up on me slowly. Being 11 years old, and only knowing the very textbook basics of sex, never mind sexual abuse, I understood what had happened intuitively first. And, slowly, as the story pieced itself together in my mind so very abstractly, the guilt crept in with it. It was my first real secret, something that touched every part of me: I felt the weight of it in my bones, in every muscle, it padded my thoughts and actions, dripped like wax, hot through my insides.

I grew out of my adolescence then. I kept myself in constant torture with the knowledge that, had I been a little less trusting, this whole thing might have been prevented. I drowned in this self-afflicted grief for years, watching how one day affected my sister's entire emotional development, and helpless to do anything that would make a difference.

Lines went from being strongly defined to simply absent. My perception of relationships was one large jumble of love, lust, friend, family, and hate. My existing relationships began to become more and more complicated, as a friend was never just a friend anymore. And trust...how can a person trust anybody after such a total betrayal of? With such thoughts came the constraints I put on love. It became, to me, entirely conditional, without me even noticing.

The few romantic situations I had were strange and uncomfortable. I was certain that they wanted my company for one sole purpose, and so I closed myself off. It was either body or soul, but never both. I was afraid of exposing my entire self, so scared that they would see me, truly, and reject what I was. I defined the success of these relationships through their physical desire for me. It did not matter whether or not it was mutual. What my uncle had demonstrated to me, to my impressionable 11-year-old mind, was that a body was a commodity, one that made up a woman's value.

I knew, by then, exactly what I was holding back. It was unfair and dishonest, and I couldn't help myself. I had reached the age of 17 with these emotional issues that I had only half-heartedly attempted to address, but had been too afraid to really deal with.

This was my life up to 8 months ago.

Now, love is not something that I am used to talking about. In fact, I tend to purposely avoid the subject altogether, as there are very few things of which I am certain pertaining to the subject. I can say that, in my opinion, love is like a virus, constantly changing in response to its environment, so you can contract the damn thing 4 or 5 different times out of absolutely nowhere, and the only feeble defense you can put against it is a) based entirely off of previous experience (it doesn't help that love is notoriously unpredictable) and b) never guaranteed to work in the first place.

Also, for quite a time, I did not deem myself worthy of it, so speaking of love is always a little bittersweet.

Kaiden was the beginning of my unraveling. It seems fitting that the cure came as sudden as the cause. Since that day that I left my uncle's house, I had been descending into tepid waters. Kaiden's birth was the tiniest supply of oxygen, enough to get me kicking back towards the surface. Looking at him, I was reminded of the way I loved before that concept was warped. Loving unequovically, without barriers or secrets, loving without a past, or a future. It rushed back to me in one smooth inhale, and nestled itself into my chest.

That was how one secret replaced the other. The change blew over my guilt, replacing every negative emotion that I held with something like...joy. The loveliest, most childish joy.

I started to notice how, outside of myself, people were still laughing. There are so many things that happen to us, to everyone, that can permanently damage a part of us, or many parts of us. Everybody has something that changes them, an experience, or a person, even if not in a snap instant, as was in my case. But I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that life happens: sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, but either way we can't change it. What happened to me will always be a part of who I am, but it isn't me. I can no longer identify with that girl who stood idly by and watched her life slip from year to year, never making an effort to reconnect. I can no longer feel guilty about what happened, and I certainly don't have the energy to continue hating the person who was the origin of my family's pain. If there is one thing that my nephew has taught me, it is that love is something that cannot be taken for granted. It may be cliche, but that kind of boundless love is what makes all of the crap, the accidents, deaths, abuses, and vices...love is what makes it all bearable.

I know, because when I hold my nephew, I feel like laughing.

Shit, shit shit.

Hardest part is over. Now it's just getting through the next week.

I saw Andy Shauf tonight (for those of you who remember, the really silly dance that I posted on ohfail a little while ago). He was spectacular. He's one of the few modern artists who can make my heart sing and soar...I feel like I'm in love with life again. ^^

Mango cheesecake and Michelle, on top of that. It shaped out to be a really transcendent night. And tomorrow, I can take my chem test, and then sleep until 4th period. I'm really quite happy.

Guys. Morningstar video.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=13901096975


Edit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No%2C_Virginia...
FRIGGEN BRILLIANT.

Uuuuuuuuugh, fuck.

I have not been able to get to sleep before 5 AM in the last...five nights.

It's 5:38 kids, and the end is nowhere in sight.

Edit: Did not sleep. Repeat, did not sleep. And I have to give a presentation on how our ability to communicate effects the way we perceive knowledge, in an hour and a half. GAH.

I don't know if I mentioned this anywhere, but I'm covering Morningstar.

Just thought you all should know. =P

"Not that I'm aware of, knock on wood. Although I got in a pretty amazing car wreck with Nick 13 years ago, we're probably lucky we didn't die seeing as we drove off a cliff."
-Jade Puget, on the question "have you ever had a near-death experience?"

Does NOTHING defeat this guy? Geez.

In other news, life has been madly fluctuating between suicidal and incredible lately. It's getting to be quite draining. I have...a lot of homework. But I have faith that I will prevail~~

( To Do )

...so forgive me if I haven't been in contact, guys. <3

Edit:
"I can remember details of almost every show we've played. Especially ones such as me falling off the 10 foot high stage in Switzerland, being upside down in the air but somehow landing on my feet still playing. Or trying to run up the wall in Idaho and sticking my leg straight the sheetrock up to my thigh instead." Oh my god, Jade.

I had a minor breakdown last night. >> I've been pumping myself full of caffeine to the extent of paranoia, sleep deprivation, and depression. So it wasn't too pretty. I'm taking it easy today, skipping the calculus test that I have NO clue how to do. I'll catch up on everything eventually.

I miss you guys. A lot.